My Dark Vanessa

Me too….. 

Rating: 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟

Me too…..

This journey this book takes you on is so fascinatingly disturbing, was this her choice or not. Did he groom her? Which honestly that is my most hated term in the world is groom, at least used in that context.

“Girls become real so early, 14, 15, 16 thats when your mind’s turn on. It’s a gorgeous thing to witness.”

This makes me reflect back on things I am remembering.  Like the first time I heard the word “Jail bait” from a high school aged yard duty I followed around in 6th grade or an AOL IM conversation where a English professor told me he wanted to drink with me since I was telling him I felt like I was easy around boys when I drank.

Did I ask for this attention or want it?  The English professor no I got really upset cause the stupid pattern of guys trying to use me continued but I did like that yard duty, he was attractive, but I didn’t know what he meant and I didn’t know what like meant.

I had a guy tell me all about his life and college then hand me a book to read only to find out everything he told me was from that book. Then there was a relationship I had where everything he told me was a lie and I only found out after he got arrested when he was caring for my grandfather. All these weird things have fragmented otherwise great years of my life or actually wiped out whole years of memories and sent me on a shame spiral for years which I don’t think I realized until my husband saved me. Manipulation and victimhood has so many grades but they are all valid. I totally get why she would turn to substances to reduce her reality and trying to drown out his voice in her head. 

I did put myself in weird positions cause of curiosity then thought I couldn’t regret it or change my mind cause I did it to myself even if I might have not wanted to be there. This book definitely resonates with me. That 15 year old girl that wants to be wanted and got excited by someone who was interested in her as a person. Who awakened her in the wrong way and took advantage. The overt manipulation is so disgusting. She had talked herself into believing she had wanted it all along and she made all the decisions herself.

How many victims feel this way and don’t come forward? How many cases are dismissed because they seemed complicit and that they wanted it? Even though they were coerced and convinced to do it. 

Omg when she said “I just really need it to be a love story.” I had tears prick my eyes. I just can’t seem to process this book. To process I need to unpack all my own baggage that won’t stop crashing against me like waves. She didn’t want to be a victim but she was so traumatized by everything to do with him and so trained to not see it that way. She will need years of untraining and learning to trust. 

Narration by Grace Gummer you did his voice so well. So cringeworthy, I felt like he was so condescending just in the cadence you used. I wanted to slap him. And you aged Vanessa nicely from 15 to 30’s.  

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